How do anorexia and bulimia feel like

What anorexia feels like

Most individuals with anorexia strongly deny it, despite medical tests that have revealed telltale symptoms, and even when they must be hospitalized to prevent permanent damage or even death from starvation. A person with anorexia may become hyperactive, feel dizzy, and feel a "buzz" at all times. He or she may feel depressed, irritable, withdrawn, and be prone to compulsive rituals about food.

One teen explains, "Four years ago, I turned to starvation and purging to fill a huge void in myself. I was in the seventh grade, and I remember how terribly insecure and unhappy I was. I hated the curves that were forming on my body and perceived myself as grossly overweight. In retrospect, I was at a completely healthy weight for my height. I was focusing on my weight and controlling my food intake in order to avoid the unhappiness and insecurity I was really feeling."

She was lucky in that her anorexia didn't last too long - and she can also talk about it. More typical is the young woman who started dieting around the age of 11 after being teased for being pudgy. She had blamed herself for her father's leaving home and was still struggling to "fix it." This began a long series of struggles with dieting, bingeing and purging, and disordered eating. As a teenager she was hospitalized a few times for both anorexia and bulimia and left home at seventeen. She continued to struggle, and would get into balance, only to relapse and fall into a sense of hopelessness from having been in many hospitals, seeing many different therapists and psychiatrists and other doctors, and never attaining health other than to keep her weight loss under control - while still maintaining her food rituals.

What bulimia feels like

In one key aspect, bulimia "feels" different from anorexia to its sufferers. People who have bulimia may be aware that something is seriously wrong rather than be in denial about it, as is so common in anorexia. The self-loathing that characterizes the disorder is given more opportunities to express itself since bulimics report "feeling disgusted" by their perceived overeating, and then again every time they binge. A girl with bulimia is willing to establish complicated life-patterns to allow for her binge-purge behavior. She knows what's going on, but the patterns seem to intensify, rather than lessen, her feelings of isolation and self-hatred.

One young woman with bulimia tells the story of being under stress and rushing to a convenience store where she bought a box of doughnuts. Before even going home, she went behind the store next to a trash bin and frantically stuffed the doughnuts down her throat whole, alone, in the dark. As soon as she got home, she made herself vomit. It helps us to understand how intense are the feelings behind the behavior - and that it is not about food, but about using the behavior itself to escape from her feelings. She describes herself as being in an "altered state" during the process: For people with this eating disorder, bingeing and purging can distract them from their troubles for a time. But the relief that's felt is soon replaced by feelings of guilt and shame, which lead to a need to repeat the cycle.

When you compare the binge-purge experience to the experience of those who cut themselves, you may be able to see how they're connected. People who hurt themselves on purpose explain that it's to release the pain, to escape it, to distract themselves from stress and emotional discomfort. They cut their flesh or burn it. They bang their heads or swallow foreign objects. Some report that while they are engaged in self-harm, they may experience peace, tranquility, and calm - a sense of being grounded after feeling tossed about by chaos and misery - at least for a while, until stress and tension mount again. It may be hard for those who don't share this kind of behavior to understand it. And even when they find others who share their experience, there's still a strong need to keep it secret. The secrecy is part of the process and it's also part of the pain.

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